So many different emotions, words, thoughts. It’s difficult to sort them all out within my own brain, which also makes it difficult to communicate the way I’m truly feeling. Now, I have all this shit pent up inside, and this fear that I’ll never find the correct way to translate it all. I feel fuckin’ crazy.
I’ll be so alone without you
Maybe you’ll be lonesome, too
I’ve used this blog. I don’t really know why. It’s the one place I can type out anything I want to without anyone judging me for it.
- I fucking love basketball, I love the NBA and most of the players. On all teams, by the way. People tryna tell me I can’t get this jersey that jersey.. I don’t give a shit. I want my K.Love jersey, and my Harden jersey.. and I don’t know, man…. I’m thinking about following the Nets. The Brooklyn Nets. I mean, my Lakers always come first. We’ll see what happens when next season comes. Maybe I’ll end up being like “fck da Nets”
- Spending so much time with dudes lately. It’s comfortable. The older I get, the more I feel this certain kind of respect from dudes that girls just don’t emit. Plus, really, they’re so much nicer than girls.
- Chillin’ in my backyard on a sunny day is one of two things I ever want anymore.
- Second…. Jayboy. Seriously I always want my Jayboy. And that’s another thing I don’t really care to suppress anymore. Fuck it. I’ve accepted the fact we have this weird connection we will always have. Also like maybe I am crazy, I know I’m annoying, I feel like sometimes I need to leave him alone. But I can’t apologize too much for those things, only the stupid actions I produce on account of those feelings, because I love that fucker more than anything else on the face of this earth. So so so much love. And I will never apologize for loving him more than anyone ever has, whether he likes it or not. Fuck other girls. Fuck anyone who’s got something bad to say. I can talk for days about our relationship, about all he has done for me as a person. Set my feelings aside, he has changed my view of the world, and of myself. He makes me wanna be stronger, happier.. just, better. That’s what love is about. And he thinks I’m always being dramatic about this shit, but I’m really not. I’m just telling the truth. There is not one person who has ever made me happier, or more sad, for that matter. He is my weakness, but also my strength. Does that make sense? I mean whatever. Bottom line, he’s the one I’ll always love. He’s the one I’ll always be waiting for. A piece of my heart belongs to that dude, for the rest of forever.
- Fuck. Shit gets me emotional. Anyways… my anxiety has gotten to the point where I just kinda hate myself. It stops me from efficiently doing my job, or completing goals I’ve set for myself. And I don’t wanna feel these bad vibes all the time. I don’t wanna be this dramatic ball of tension that thinks everyone is out to get me. I wanna stop asking people if I’m annoying or if they’re mad at me— I just wanna live. I wanna breathe easy and be me. I gotta understand that whoever is gonna love me, is gonna love me for who I am. Even if I’m anxious. Even if I’m annoying. Even if, sometimes, I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved. I mean I know I deserve it, just sometimes, I feel like shit about myself.
- You know too? Like I feel like I drive people away. I feel like.. who could ever understand or even want to understand this? The anxiousness, the clinginess. It’s just unattractive. I know that. I’m trying to not be so nervous all the time. I’m trying to stand on my own two feet. But you know, life is scary. And I’m just fucking scared!!!
- ALSO SIDE NOTE: I AM NOT SAD. This is not sadness. This is not depression. This is me on the verge of laughing, really, because I am just THAT frustrated with my anxiety. Fuck, man. New topic.
- I feel like I’m always stating this but— SO MUCH good new music. That’s my constant love in this life. New music<3 and lately I’ve been feeling like lyrics and songs express my feelings better than I actually can. It’s relieving for a little while, but for too long it’s a little scary. I need to be able to express myself. For now, as I’m figuring out the best way how, I’ll let all this awesome music speak for me.
- I probably have other shit to write about but I think I’m just gonna lay in the sun right now, stop thinking about all this heavy stuff. It’s my day off. I just wanna float.
I feel how I feel and that’s that. Today I can handle it. Tomorrow maybe I can’t.
I’m just gonna pretend that day never even happened.
If photographs of you are as close as I can get, then that’s as close as I’ll get.
If the edge of the land, is as close as I can get, then that’s as close as I’ll get.
If right up beside you is as close as I can get, then that’s as close as I’ll get.
I have and always will be, as close as I can get.
Two things only a man cannot hide, that he is drunk and that he is in love.
There are things I allow myself to fall hopelessly into, and then, there are other things I’ll fight to the death to avoid. This particular situation (between us) has always rested somewhere in between. There’s a lot I’m still unsure of, but the air about us is different these days, and so I’m thinking maybe this might actually be something worth my time. I suppose we’ll see, huh?